dancinfree
23rd May 2005, 05:57 PM
Hello Everyone!! I have been reading all of your wonderful posts for about two months and have finally decided to join in on the fun. :) Bigeddy turned me on to all of you and Boy, am I glad!! :D
I do have a tendency to be verbose so if you choose to read this, get nice and comfy cuz it may take a while..hehehe. First of all, I have to say that I am the proud momma of Aether who also was wise enough to listen to her ole ma and Bigeddy and join this group. Reading her posts have been the source of many a belly laugh for me and many a tickle to my soul. ;)
I was raised right here in good ole Utard..been here all my life. My family was a mixture of his, mine and ours. I was the final result of the "ours". My family was LDS but not active..I, on the other hand, grabbed on early to the ride of being active and strived to be the "good" one of the "lost" family. My father was the "Archie Bunker" type with a drinking problem and a great sense of humor. I grew up only knowing his walls that surrounded him and a sense that I could wrap him around my finger, me being the baby and all..hehehe. My mother was my angel of love growing up. We spent many times talking and being together. She taught me joy, laughter and love, unconditionally. I was her center and I knew it and it felt wonderful!! Her unexpected death four years ago has been a major turning point in my life and I feel that the part of her that loved and enjoyed life with an open heart is now a part of me even more.
As I grew up, the church was my constant and I truly believed that God was at the head and in control. My teenage years were years of confusion and always trying to be better, have more control. Shame and guilt pretty much ran my life. If only I could be like the YW's president or be able to attain the position worthy of leadership. I was on the seminary council in High School and still never felt worthy to be there. I struggled with my sexual energy throughout and wished and hoped that if I prayed enough, or read my scriptures enough, I would finally be strong enough to control all my emotions and urges.
I married my dream man when I was twenty. We met when I was 13 in a dance class, he also being a TBM, if only in the sense of being the obedient son. We struggled with our relationship and had a rocky road of it. But we were also great friends and so after seven years of making it through, we married. We had Aether ten months later....whew!! We have been married twenty years this October and have three children. One daughter and two sons. I have always chose to stay home with them (even though it was always a temptation to run away..hehehe) but I feel very strongly that because I stuck with it and learned to value myself without the world's validation, I have become to know myself even more, with more strength and peace. My children might grow up to be wackos or nutcases but at least I know that it was I that attributed to that instead of the neighbor "mother" down the street!! Another thing of which I've always stuck to my guns on is the fact that I've always had my outside interests. My life didn't end when children were born but I did have to learn how to prioritize and find whatever I needed for ME and my sanity. I am an avid exercise enthusiasts. Marathons are my favorite but not the favorite of my knees at the present. If my body would let me I could run forever and be perfectly happy. :)
Back to my evolvement out of the church: Throughout my years of marriage I have run the gamut from way, WAY active...temple attendence, primary presidencies, RS teacher, etc. etc. to periods of guilt-laden inactivity. It seems I could never let go of the hold that God would be so dissappointed in me for "giving up" trying to be "good" or that I was part of that 1/3 of the most elite that would fall away into outer darkness. Well, today I say, outer darkness...WATCH OUT!!
The process of letting go of the guilt and shame has been years in the making. I was able to go through a kind of self-discovery therapy class called "harmony" here in Utah. Through those classes I risked to question myself, my faith and dig deep and face my truth. Which for me is that I am ENOUGH the way that I am. I am authentic and real and if I choose to be more aware of how I grow and evolve, good for me but in this moment, this is all of me and I have learned to love myself as I am...nothing more and nothing less is needed. There is no going back for me..nor would I want to. My desire is to keep being self-aware, open and growing.
This is more than enough for now. Thank you for staying with it this long. I look forward to continuing this relationship and am so grateful for this site and all those who contribute their truth to it. This is only the beginning....dancinfree
I do have a tendency to be verbose so if you choose to read this, get nice and comfy cuz it may take a while..hehehe. First of all, I have to say that I am the proud momma of Aether who also was wise enough to listen to her ole ma and Bigeddy and join this group. Reading her posts have been the source of many a belly laugh for me and many a tickle to my soul. ;)
I was raised right here in good ole Utard..been here all my life. My family was a mixture of his, mine and ours. I was the final result of the "ours". My family was LDS but not active..I, on the other hand, grabbed on early to the ride of being active and strived to be the "good" one of the "lost" family. My father was the "Archie Bunker" type with a drinking problem and a great sense of humor. I grew up only knowing his walls that surrounded him and a sense that I could wrap him around my finger, me being the baby and all..hehehe. My mother was my angel of love growing up. We spent many times talking and being together. She taught me joy, laughter and love, unconditionally. I was her center and I knew it and it felt wonderful!! Her unexpected death four years ago has been a major turning point in my life and I feel that the part of her that loved and enjoyed life with an open heart is now a part of me even more.
As I grew up, the church was my constant and I truly believed that God was at the head and in control. My teenage years were years of confusion and always trying to be better, have more control. Shame and guilt pretty much ran my life. If only I could be like the YW's president or be able to attain the position worthy of leadership. I was on the seminary council in High School and still never felt worthy to be there. I struggled with my sexual energy throughout and wished and hoped that if I prayed enough, or read my scriptures enough, I would finally be strong enough to control all my emotions and urges.
I married my dream man when I was twenty. We met when I was 13 in a dance class, he also being a TBM, if only in the sense of being the obedient son. We struggled with our relationship and had a rocky road of it. But we were also great friends and so after seven years of making it through, we married. We had Aether ten months later....whew!! We have been married twenty years this October and have three children. One daughter and two sons. I have always chose to stay home with them (even though it was always a temptation to run away..hehehe) but I feel very strongly that because I stuck with it and learned to value myself without the world's validation, I have become to know myself even more, with more strength and peace. My children might grow up to be wackos or nutcases but at least I know that it was I that attributed to that instead of the neighbor "mother" down the street!! Another thing of which I've always stuck to my guns on is the fact that I've always had my outside interests. My life didn't end when children were born but I did have to learn how to prioritize and find whatever I needed for ME and my sanity. I am an avid exercise enthusiasts. Marathons are my favorite but not the favorite of my knees at the present. If my body would let me I could run forever and be perfectly happy. :)
Back to my evolvement out of the church: Throughout my years of marriage I have run the gamut from way, WAY active...temple attendence, primary presidencies, RS teacher, etc. etc. to periods of guilt-laden inactivity. It seems I could never let go of the hold that God would be so dissappointed in me for "giving up" trying to be "good" or that I was part of that 1/3 of the most elite that would fall away into outer darkness. Well, today I say, outer darkness...WATCH OUT!!
The process of letting go of the guilt and shame has been years in the making. I was able to go through a kind of self-discovery therapy class called "harmony" here in Utah. Through those classes I risked to question myself, my faith and dig deep and face my truth. Which for me is that I am ENOUGH the way that I am. I am authentic and real and if I choose to be more aware of how I grow and evolve, good for me but in this moment, this is all of me and I have learned to love myself as I am...nothing more and nothing less is needed. There is no going back for me..nor would I want to. My desire is to keep being self-aware, open and growing.
This is more than enough for now. Thank you for staying with it this long. I look forward to continuing this relationship and am so grateful for this site and all those who contribute their truth to it. This is only the beginning....dancinfree