helemon
21st August 2005, 10:54 AM
http://www.latterdaylampoon.com/roulette/reinspired/
The Articles of Faith by Cats of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
08/21/2005 - by meetmeinmissouri
1. We believe in Gods, which include the infinite chain of Heavenly Fathers, and in our personal Heavenly Father and in His mortal as well as celestial sojourn on a planet we believe may be called Kolob and in his only begotten by physical sexual intercourse Son, known as Jesus Christ who also happened to be the god of the old testament when he was only a ghost, and in the holy haunting of the world by His (Heavenly Father’s) Ghost since He can both be alive, father children with His flesh and bone and have a ghost.
2. We believe that men will pay through lots of post-mortal pain for their sins unless they become a Mormon either on their own with their own body or against their living wishes not to be a Mormon via another living Mormon’s physical body as proxy, and it doesn’t matter what Adam did because by obeying his more spiritual wife we were able to get these bodies in the first place.
3. We believe that through the rituals and bloody tortures of Jesus Christ, all Mormons may be saved from having to suffer these same tortures in a lesser degree of all their goriness after they are dead and thus avoid being put in a spiritual prison holding area to await their being flayed for their own salvation for disobedience to the laws, oaths, handshakes, testimonies, higher principles and ordinances of the Mormon Church.
4. We believe that the principles and ordinances of the Mormon Church are better than any other Christian offerings upon the face of the earth including the worst examples in The Catholic Church and these better principles and ordinances include: first, Following the prophet in his being the only authoritative mouthpiece for the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Penitence for everything you can, would, will or might do wrong in life by paying in time and money at least 10 percent of all you have up to and including your life to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; third, Attempted Baptism for everyone you have known, may know, will possibly know in the future and all of the dead people you came from for the three missions of The Church; fourth, Praying with folded arms and hands to be able to feel a burning in your bosom and a stupor of thought to cloud your mind to obscure the brightly non-ethically neon flecks of Mormon history that might trouble you.
5. We believe that a white old Mormon man must be called on his phone by a similarly old Mormon prophet and asked to move to Salt Lake City through the efforts of his social networking by those who are in Mormon authority, to reach for the LDS Gold Card expense accounts and administer in the LDS tithing trust funds available to be able to perform the ordinances of running many highly lucrative businesses for the Mormon Church and being lauded and praised for his religious insights that have nothing to do with his job.
6. We believe in the same powers of (restoration) Christian adaptation for Mormon authorities of the countless Christian non-prophets that have molded the modern history of the Primitive Christian Church to suit their own selfish needs, namely, greedy apostles, despotic popes, pious pastors, false doctrine teaching religious teachers, envious evangelists, faith healers of fools, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of holding our tongues when speaking of The Lord’s Anointed, prophecy by a board of directors of a billion dollar land development and high interest banking corporation and their hunches, unpublished revelations to remove blood oaths, naked touching, missing preachers and power to edit revealed scripture, revisions of revealed truths about other races, hot drinks and carbonated drinks, alcohol, movie ratings, and marriage, stealing apostate and non-member sired children by ritual in a temple to seal them to member step parents, exclusion of apostate and non-member parents in weddings, interpretation of piercing to mean only one per ear and no tongues, and so forth.
8. We believe an uninspired translation of The Bible (KJV) to be the words of God as far as it is translated correctly and not the inspired translation of The Bible (JST); we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as He directed His words to a small groups of Native American ancestors in a limited geography that brought the wheel and the horse from Jerusalem and then lost both when they fell into sin and killed their more loved by God and whiter brethren.
9. We believe all that God has revealed in ancient Egyptian funeral papyri, in the unknown language of Reformed Egyptian, about divining rods and through seer stones, and all that He does now reveal in English only, through divine hunches, using phone surveys, and not through antiquated couplets, and we believe that He will yet be very brief in revealing many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
10. We used to believe in the literal gathering of only non-Black adopted Israelites to places like Ohio, Missouri, Illinois, and Utah and in the restoration of the bribes to get the Olympics; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) was supposed to be built in Missouri and then Utah but that now it is built up anywhere in the world but more especially upon the American continent; that Christ will drain personally the moneyed powers upon the earth and use their funds to build a temple on every corner of the world like McDonalds and Wal-Mart; and, that the powers on the face of the earth will be reorganized by the Board of Trustees for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and receive its paradisiacal glory as a dead planet fused into a huge ball of glass after being burned.
11. We claim the privacy and piracy of worshiping Almighty God according to the standards of a multinational mega corporation with the stolen hymns of other religions, the right to the dictate the morals of your own conscience through political lobbying, the right to culturally pressure people into swearing to give everything they own to our corporation, and allow all conspiring men the same privilege as long as they don’t include women, let them worship mammon how, where, or in whatever form they may.
12. We believe in being asked by kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, to have us send them our missionaries, honoring our undue political influence and gifts of tuition at our university, and sustaining the laws that we help craft.
13. We believe in being as honest as long as it doesn’t get in the way of our spreading our truth, true as long as it is faith promoting, chaste as long as their isn’t an angel with a flaming sword ready to kill us if we don’t take more wives, benevolent as long as there is a Photo Opportunity or Public Relations moment in it, virtuous as long as it is toward people who hold our same virtues, and in doing good to all men that recognize our moral authority; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul but we really don’t.
The Articles of Faith by Cats of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
08/21/2005 - by meetmeinmissouri
1. We believe in Gods, which include the infinite chain of Heavenly Fathers, and in our personal Heavenly Father and in His mortal as well as celestial sojourn on a planet we believe may be called Kolob and in his only begotten by physical sexual intercourse Son, known as Jesus Christ who also happened to be the god of the old testament when he was only a ghost, and in the holy haunting of the world by His (Heavenly Father’s) Ghost since He can both be alive, father children with His flesh and bone and have a ghost.
2. We believe that men will pay through lots of post-mortal pain for their sins unless they become a Mormon either on their own with their own body or against their living wishes not to be a Mormon via another living Mormon’s physical body as proxy, and it doesn’t matter what Adam did because by obeying his more spiritual wife we were able to get these bodies in the first place.
3. We believe that through the rituals and bloody tortures of Jesus Christ, all Mormons may be saved from having to suffer these same tortures in a lesser degree of all their goriness after they are dead and thus avoid being put in a spiritual prison holding area to await their being flayed for their own salvation for disobedience to the laws, oaths, handshakes, testimonies, higher principles and ordinances of the Mormon Church.
4. We believe that the principles and ordinances of the Mormon Church are better than any other Christian offerings upon the face of the earth including the worst examples in The Catholic Church and these better principles and ordinances include: first, Following the prophet in his being the only authoritative mouthpiece for the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Penitence for everything you can, would, will or might do wrong in life by paying in time and money at least 10 percent of all you have up to and including your life to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; third, Attempted Baptism for everyone you have known, may know, will possibly know in the future and all of the dead people you came from for the three missions of The Church; fourth, Praying with folded arms and hands to be able to feel a burning in your bosom and a stupor of thought to cloud your mind to obscure the brightly non-ethically neon flecks of Mormon history that might trouble you.
5. We believe that a white old Mormon man must be called on his phone by a similarly old Mormon prophet and asked to move to Salt Lake City through the efforts of his social networking by those who are in Mormon authority, to reach for the LDS Gold Card expense accounts and administer in the LDS tithing trust funds available to be able to perform the ordinances of running many highly lucrative businesses for the Mormon Church and being lauded and praised for his religious insights that have nothing to do with his job.
6. We believe in the same powers of (restoration) Christian adaptation for Mormon authorities of the countless Christian non-prophets that have molded the modern history of the Primitive Christian Church to suit their own selfish needs, namely, greedy apostles, despotic popes, pious pastors, false doctrine teaching religious teachers, envious evangelists, faith healers of fools, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of holding our tongues when speaking of The Lord’s Anointed, prophecy by a board of directors of a billion dollar land development and high interest banking corporation and their hunches, unpublished revelations to remove blood oaths, naked touching, missing preachers and power to edit revealed scripture, revisions of revealed truths about other races, hot drinks and carbonated drinks, alcohol, movie ratings, and marriage, stealing apostate and non-member sired children by ritual in a temple to seal them to member step parents, exclusion of apostate and non-member parents in weddings, interpretation of piercing to mean only one per ear and no tongues, and so forth.
8. We believe an uninspired translation of The Bible (KJV) to be the words of God as far as it is translated correctly and not the inspired translation of The Bible (JST); we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as He directed His words to a small groups of Native American ancestors in a limited geography that brought the wheel and the horse from Jerusalem and then lost both when they fell into sin and killed their more loved by God and whiter brethren.
9. We believe all that God has revealed in ancient Egyptian funeral papyri, in the unknown language of Reformed Egyptian, about divining rods and through seer stones, and all that He does now reveal in English only, through divine hunches, using phone surveys, and not through antiquated couplets, and we believe that He will yet be very brief in revealing many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
10. We used to believe in the literal gathering of only non-Black adopted Israelites to places like Ohio, Missouri, Illinois, and Utah and in the restoration of the bribes to get the Olympics; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) was supposed to be built in Missouri and then Utah but that now it is built up anywhere in the world but more especially upon the American continent; that Christ will drain personally the moneyed powers upon the earth and use their funds to build a temple on every corner of the world like McDonalds and Wal-Mart; and, that the powers on the face of the earth will be reorganized by the Board of Trustees for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and receive its paradisiacal glory as a dead planet fused into a huge ball of glass after being burned.
11. We claim the privacy and piracy of worshiping Almighty God according to the standards of a multinational mega corporation with the stolen hymns of other religions, the right to the dictate the morals of your own conscience through political lobbying, the right to culturally pressure people into swearing to give everything they own to our corporation, and allow all conspiring men the same privilege as long as they don’t include women, let them worship mammon how, where, or in whatever form they may.
12. We believe in being asked by kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, to have us send them our missionaries, honoring our undue political influence and gifts of tuition at our university, and sustaining the laws that we help craft.
13. We believe in being as honest as long as it doesn’t get in the way of our spreading our truth, true as long as it is faith promoting, chaste as long as their isn’t an angel with a flaming sword ready to kill us if we don’t take more wives, benevolent as long as there is a Photo Opportunity or Public Relations moment in it, virtuous as long as it is toward people who hold our same virtues, and in doing good to all men that recognize our moral authority; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul but we really don’t.