"Undoing" Mo Parenting

[silverfox]

I was finding my path out of the church prior to my youngest turning 8 (she is now 10). Hubby wanted to baptize her. I wanted to allow her to wait until she was older. Hubby wanted to do it to please his TBM family and it's the right thing to do, just as he was taught. What saved us is that hubby didn't pay a 100% full tithe so our bish and Nazi stake prez wouldn't allow him to do it. (interesting, a neighbor was having sex with his neighbor, got caught by his wife and several fellow ward members as they were returning from a group walk...hahahaha, but HE got to baptize his child two weeks later) Anyway, I am getting off track.

Out of five kids really only ONE (married daughter) is TBM, one (teen) with potential of being TBM, two who don't believe at all (both adults), and my youngest who never liked Primary, hasn't really been too "brainwashed" yet, etc.

I've had lots of conversations with exMo parents and one of the dilemmas is trying to "undo" that which we have done. How do you "uncondition" your kids after you've spent YEARS of conditioning them?

When I first discovered the church wasn't true I PANICKED...OH MY GAWD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY KIDS!!!!

But thinking back I realized I wanted them to do ALL that Mo stuff because it was a personal reflection on ME. If my kids were being good little TBMs then it made me look good and obedient and thus maybe I wouldn't be judged so harshly. I used my kids to let myself off the hook. How selfish and disgusting! I remember when my boys decided not to go on missions. Now I never really wanted them to go anyway. So many kids are forced on missions (hubby is one of them). They don't have a choice. I always wanted it to be my kids' choice, not mine. But I remember I was very disappointed. Not because I thought it would be a wonderful thing for them, or because I was disappointed that they weren't building the kingdom of Gawd and doing what was "right". BUT because I was afraid of how it reflected on me. UGH. Our ward would KNOW I wasn't a good parent! aaaargh

I didn't raise my kids like I wanted to. I wish I had it to do over again. I raised them like the church wanted me to. I took away a lot of their choices. I remember telling them, when they asked WHY??? "because the profit said so. Or that's what the church tells us to do as parents, etc, etc." I am disgusted with myself.

Just rambling on a very foggy ugly gray day..........

[Born Free]

When I first discovered the church wasn't true I PANICKED...OH MY GAWD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY KIDS!!!!

Just rambling on a very foggy ugly gray day..........

Silverfox,

If it makes you feel better, it is bucketing down rain here, and my lawn in overdue for mowing.

There is a joke in our family that has been a standard dialogue since we left the Church and got back together after a 6 month separation.

You can get up on the cross and drive the first nail by yourself, but you will just flap in the breeze unless you can get someone to assist driving the second nail!

Our kids are pretty robust, which is just as well given they are frequently parented by people barely out of childhood themselves (chronologically), and I don't believe anything really adequately prepares us for parenthood. I read something recently where the author argued quite convincingly that marriage and parenthood is a great place to grow spiritually. All our illusions get shattered, we have to (OK well get a strong invitation) to confront our own weaknesses, our kids pull all our chains.

10 years ago I thought I had really messed it up with my son. My workaholic early years and what I now suspect ws undiagnosed depression for many years, really meant I was not there for him during some critical years, so he really acted out for a bit 15 - about 20.

But he has really turned around since then. I figure that the example I gave of addressing my issues full on, was very powerful on him. Ultimately that is the best lesson in life we can offer. And from what you share here, I am confident that you are modelling a very, very different you, to the person back there who constantly sought external approval.

That is a powerful example, and as your kids mature in years, given the choice between your example and the pulp they get fed at Church, which will win out?

Hey, don't beat up on yourself, and here's a step ladder. Climb down off your cross, and start planning your unbaptism P A R T Y! :)

Daryl

[peter_mary]

When I first discovered the church wasn't true I PANICKED...OH MY GAWD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY KIDS!!!!


This is one area where we have been insanely fortunate. Our kids never liked Church anyway, and the first time we even hinted that we might be having second thoughts about the whole Church affair (interesting choice of word, that...), our kids were GONE. They NEVER looked back. From our daughter who was in her last two years of high school down to our little one who was in kindergarten, they've all been thrilled that we've found better things to do on the weekends.

Now, we know we are getting criticized behind our backs by family and ward members, :( but since they don't have the guts to talk to us about directly, we're pretty insulated.

I love the way my kids are thinking through the dilemas that adolescence in particular is throwing at them. Except for the hair that is getting pretty long, most of my boys' Mormon friends have parents who encourage them to hang out with our kids, because OUR kids have an internal compass that is stearing them clear of the drug/alcohol/sex scene. They know that the legal things will all be their's to enjoy in good time if they choose, and they genuinely seem to understand that they are not emotionally prepared for the power of sexual intimacy, and so they make different choices. I could not possibly be prouder. I think in PART they can make those choices because they are operating in a space that is devoid of moral judgment, and instead they are seeking wisdom. They know I'm not going to have a cardiac arrest if they tell me they've downed a few beers. But they DO know we'll talk about the implications of illeagal behavior, driving while intoxicated, impared judgement, etc. Same with sex. We HAVE ALREADY had those conversations and they know their parents aren't going to freak...and maybe that's part of the key...we've taken away the mystique that goes with trying not to get caught.

I don't know all the reasons why they've made the choices they have. I do know that those choices are rooted in rational choice as opposed to moral standards imposed from outside. And I'm grateful for that. And I know I'm lucky, too...

Paul

[lsands]

Dear Sliverfox,
Your concerns about your children are completely justified, of course. I suggest, however, that while you mourn the past that you also look forward to how much good you are doing them by leaving the COJCLDS. And, while we all wish we had never subjected our kids to all of the bullshit, they have the benefit of the example we have set of the courage to search for the truth and choose another way when we discovered our error.

Two of my children are still in the church---two temple weddings I was not part of, two extraordinarily painful days in my life. But I supported my children in choosing what they felt was right for them and remembered how I had not ONE person who was related to me at my wedding, nor did my (now ex) husband.

On the other hand, when my younger daughter got pregnant at 17, I had the peace of knowing that we had talked about making the decision to become sexually active, and I had gone with her to get birth control. (She isn't very good at remembering to take pills!) I felt so proud of myself when my daugher told the nurse at the clinic that she wanted me to stay in the examining room with her and that there was no question the nurse might ask that my daughter didn't want me to hear. My daughter and I both have the peace of knowing that she made her choices knowingly.

And I am SO grateful that I felt neither responsible nor guilty that she was pregnant, nor did I feel any shame about it. And because I didn't feel these things, I didn't need to pass on my shame to her, and I was able to support her in whatever decision she and her boyfriend chose to make.

Now, almost four years later, I have the smartest, most adorable grandson in the world, and my daughter and her boyfriend got married in September 2003, with their son acting as the ring bearer. They waited until THEY were ready to get married, despite a lot of pressure from Mo family members.

I'm adding here something I wrote a few years ago; Jeff, if you read this, I'd love to have you put this somewhere more permanent on this site.

Why I am a Better Mother (Now That I’m Not a Mormon)
December 2002

1. I can accept and value my children for who they really are, not who I want or need them to be. They can live their lives according to what they want---not according to someone else’s one-size-fits-all “divine plan.”

2. I can teach my children to have confidence in themselves and their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and ideas---that they are inherently good and they can trust themselves.

3. I can encourage my children to follow their own inner voice and do what is right for them.

4.I can really listen to them without trying to convince them that my ideas---or any other “authority’s”---are right, and I can offer them guidance because I have listened.

5. I can model for my children the thoughtful development of my own understanding of God and a moral code, and encourage them to do the same.

6. I can allow them to make their own choices and decisions---and also allow them to take the responsibility for them.

7. I can allow them to make mistakes without shaming them for them. I can discuss the choices they have made, their results, and the reasons they may want to make a different choice in the future.

8. I don’t have to feel shame about the mistakes my children make---or worry about what others’ will think of me.

9. I can openly discuss sexuality with my children and talk about how to responsibly and joyfully express this essential element of their humanity—with emphasis on the joy.

10. I can spend more relaxed time with my children doing things we all enjoy because I’m not rushing off to meetings, stressed out over my church calling, or trying to force them to go to church.

11. I can teach my children to value the inherit dignity and worth of every human being, regardless of their race, religion, gender, or choice of partner.

12. I can give my children an example of a strong, independent, woman who owns her personal authority and is learning to express her individuality, and who supports them in doing the same.

13. I can enjoy my children for the unique, marvelous human beings they are, with reverence and gratitude for the opportunity to be their mother.

Laraine

[silverfox]

Thank you all for your response. Islands, that was beautiful!

We have a lot in common, I didn't have any relatives at my first wedding. My second one, I had a brother (who is now estranged) and my kids. Being "pushed aside" by my TBM daughter when it comes to church crap HURTS because I don't want them to experience not having me there when it is important to them. Yet, I cannot sacrafice my integrity and "pretend" just so I am there. sigh. I will attend anything I am allowed to in support of her because it's important to her.

My two youngest are still at home and we are very very open about everything. It's a beautiful thing and very rewarding! No shame, no pain.

It's obvious where the church creates boundaries between family members. The poor kids are left a lot of times alone in their own emotional turmoil. They can't go to their parents, their leaders or TBM friends so they are left to figure out a lot of things on their own. Very sad. I was somewhat open while a TBM but not as much as I am now.

And sturgdw - you had me laughing outloud imagining myself flapping the wind with just one nail in........heeeeeeee. It's so true!!!!!

Thanks again